


Minor Miscommunication

by TwoCatsTailoring



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Dick Pics, Humor, Kingsglaive - Freeform, M/M, crownsguard, dick pics are a bad idea, implied clarus/regis, seriously they just are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 10:49:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10410486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwoCatsTailoring/pseuds/TwoCatsTailoring
Summary: Regis sends a selfie. It is a bad idea.





	1. King regis Lucis Caelum's Private Quarters

Regis moved his phone a little to the left and frowned before deciding that the angle was about as flattering as it was going to get. He had decided to make every effort to understand the things that Noctis was interested in and he supposed that there would be no harm in taking one of these ‘selfies.’ And perhaps the combination of two popular trends would be amusing to his staff as well. 

He was not so stupid as to think that they did not enjoy a chuckle at his expense from time to time. After all, he certainly did.

Photograph reviewed and approved of (though the point still escaped him) he elected to send the picture, captioned ‘My First Selfie. Am I doing this right?’ to the whole of the Glaive and Crownsguard. 

If nothing else, he could amuse them.


	2. In the Crownsguard Breakroom

Monica was not a person to be startled by much of anything. After all, she was one of the very few women in the Crownsguard and if ever there was a more male-dominated group, she had yet to hear of it. 

So when the alert tone for a group text went off, she automatically steeled herself for some level of stupidity. 

But nothing could have prepared her for an up-close and personal picture of the King’s Own Sceptre complete with a completely unrelated message. 

Monica yelped, dropped her phone, and stood stock still as she looked around the room at the handful of guard members who were reaching for their own phones in slow motion. She was powerless, useless, and rooted in place, watching it all play out like some horror movie.


	3. At the Pub Closest to the Glaive Residences

Nyx lined up his throw, aiming carefully, ignoring his phone when it jangled in his pocket. Crowe, ever on top of things, checked hers and ruined his shot with her strangled cough, sputtering beer on his arm.

“Ramuh’s ass!” Libertus cursed from a nearby table, salsa dribbling down his chin as his mouth hung open. 

“The hell,” Nyx started before surveying the faces of his friends with confusion before grabbing his own phone. Crowe was still making strange gurgling noises and was completely unable to look away from the screen in her hand and it took every bit of three seconds before Nyx knew why.

Stunned for a moment before beginning to chuckle, a hand over his eyes, Nyx managed to snort, “Look again, Libertus. That is no ass.”


	4. At House Amicitia, Upstairs

“Gladdy! Your phone went off!” Iris came bouncing into her brother’s bedroom, his phone in her hand. “It looks like the Crownsguard social channel.”

Gladiolus grunted from his inverted position, weight on his forearms before rising on to his hands. “Just check it. Probably not that important.”

iris exited King’s Knight, having won then relieved Gladio of his most recent five-star, and opened up the group chat. Her brow furrowed, her head tilted, then realization dawned. 

And she laughed until tears ran down her face and Gladio realized something was not quite right. Iris sputtered, attempting to explain and finally gave up, sliding the phone in front of her brother’s nose as she doubled over, clutching her sides and wheezing.


	5. Cor Leonis's Office

Cor’s phone went off and he put off checking the messages until Dustin had called him in a state of panic over the latest messages. Cor didn’t even hang up, flipping the phone around and opening the chat up to be greeted with Regis’s dick in his face.

At least this time, it was only a photograph.

“Astralsdamnit,” he muttered as he rose from his desk and went in search of his King.


	6. House Amicitia, The Study

Clarus, upon hearing the outburst from the upper floors of his home, blinked and hoped that his children were not murdering one another. He really did not have the energy to go find out, and this was his only day off in about three weeks. He really just wanted to sit back and read a book without having to solve some probl….

“DAD! CHECK YOUR FUCKING MESSAGES!” Gladio yelled from the top of the stairs, anger apparent. Clarus groaned.

“Language, Gladiolus!” Clarus scolded as he dragged his phone closer to him by it’s cord. Scrolling through the backlog of messages he sighed happily at the picture regis had sent. 

Until he realized that he was not the only person who saw it. 

“SHIVA’S FROSTY CUNT!”

Iris heaved into the room, tears streaming down her face and hiccups gagging her behind her laughter, “Language, Dad!”


	7. Asset Control Office, The Citadel

The files for the budget meeting tomorrow stacked neatly, the memo sent about the Citadel’s new security policy, paperwork filled out - in triplicate - for the requisitioning of more trash bags for Noct’s apartment. Everything was clicking along nicely and Ignis was headed down the hall to turn in the keys from his last trip to the farmer’s market when his phone went off.

He’d silenced that, he was sure of it. 

Irritated, he shouldered his bag, shoved the door to the auto office open, and checked the message. He then turned and, still staring at his phone, pushed back through the door into the hallway again and made for the garage. 

Noctis was no doubt behind this. And he was not included on the social channels.


	8. Noctis's Apartment

Just one more fight and he’d level up, Noctis thought to himself, concentrating on his phone in front of him. tapping the screen over and over he called an absent greeting to Ignis as he entered the apartment.

So close! So - CLOSE….!

Ignis broke his concentration by replacing Noctis’s phone with his own. Noctis looked up, pissed that his streak was about to be broken, to find a stern faced and clearly angry Ignis giving him the Death Glare of Pain.

“If I must be subjected to this, then you must as well.” Ignis pointed to the full screen picture on his screen.

Ignis was pleased when Noctis’s scream echoed around the living room. The recoil in full on scared-for-live, how-could-my-parent-do-this-to-me was just icing on the cake.

“What the fuck is this?! Why? Ignis!” Noctis had really wanted to fling the phone away from him but much like a train wreck or a vomiting Glaive he just could not look away. No matter how much he wanted to.

Face contorted and the urge to climb over the back of the sofa and hide behind it for the next twelve years rising, Noctis stared on. 

“How is it,” Ignis was enjoying the Prince’s horror far too much, “That your esteemed father thought that this was an acceptable thing to do to the whole of the Crownsguard and the Kingsglaive?”

“I DON’T KNOW!” This time he did succeed in tossing the phone aside and shooting off to the opposite end of the sofa.

More glaring from Ignis.

“All he did was ask me about selfies and what the point of a dick pic was! I told him! Maybe his hearing is going!”

Just then, if Noctis had been wanting a knight in shining armor to rescue him from Death By Parental Genitals or Ignis’s Glare of Murder, Gladio burst through the door.

“WHERE IN THE HELL,” Gladio’s tone was decidedly not pleasant and chatty, “DO YOU GET OFF TELLING YOUR DAD THAT DICK PICS WERE HOW DUDE’S SHOW AFFECTION?”

“Ah,” Ignis said as he adjusted his glasses and headed toward the kitchen. With Gladio there and getting Noctis in a headlock, there was little else for Ignis to do but feed everyone. Perhaps asparagus in honor of the occasion.

“If my little sister had to get an eyeful of your dad’s cock, you gotta look long and hard too!”


	9. King Regis Lucis Caelum's Private Quarters

“Noctis.”

He’d been Summoned. He knew it was coming, saw it sometime in the first ten minutes that Gladio had his head in a vise grip, holding his eyelids open so that the image of his father’s penis was burned into his memory forever. 

No amount of back-shelf booze could get that out of his head. Noctis would be waking up sweating about that image when he was 40.

“You know why you are here. Explain.”

Oh no, it was the King Voice. Not that, anything but that. 

“Dad, listen…”

“I will be happy to but you had better get to the point quickly. I do not have all day.” Though he had the rest of his life to attempt to live this down. Being the Sovereign had it’s perks and at least it wasn’t questions directed to him. But Clarus. And Cor.

Why on Eos did he have friends?

“I was being sarcastic,” best keep this short and simple. Like ripping off a bandage. A large one, on his thigh, that took all the hair with it when it went. “I’m sorry that you didn’t realize that….”

“Your version of sarcasm is not lost on me and that, my boy, was not sarcasm. You said to me,” Regis leaned forward, forearms on his knees, hands held in front of him as if he were on a cell phone and head down as if he were staring at it as he mocked, “Tch, dad. It’s just how guys show affection. It’s not a big deal.”

“I do not talk like that.”

“Yes you do. Don’t argue with me. That is what you said before you ignored my questions for another half hour then left.” If there was hurt in his voice perhaps Noctis would attribute it to embarrassment instead of… well. Anyway.

“Yeah, and you believed that taking a grainy-ass picture of your junk and sending it to everyone was an okay idea?” Noctis shifted his weight from one foot to the other and crossed his arms. “Making which of us the idiot?”

Regis pressed his lips together and counted backwards from ten. No twenty. He’d been stupid yes, but there was a lot that he was out of touch with and he had relied on his son to tell him at least some level of the truth. Really. 

And the Kings thought this little shit could save the world? Amusing.

In moments of supreme stress, brilliance can strike anyone, including the King of Insomnia. This was one such moment and after spending exactly one second analyzing the impact of this flash of genius, Regis retorted, “Your mother never complained about such things. And, incidentally, neither has Clarus.”


End file.
